So you've found a girl you're interested in. All it takes is plucking up the courage to ask her out, right?

WRONG, Charlie Brown! What you need to do is convince your new found lady love that you are, in fact, not God's gift to women, but God's gift to her. How do you do this? Narrow minded obsession, obviously.

Stare at her constantly. Never try to strike up a conversation, but simply practice looking as brooding and mysterious as possible. Draw her to you. If your steely-eyed gaze isn't enough, make 'come hither' motions with your hands, like Dracula. Claw like hand positions are a must.

After she has come under your spell has walked over to you of her own free will, wait until she says something to you before you respond. Make sure your response is as non-chalant as possible. Flick your hair contemptuously a lot. Ideally, don't say anything at all, just continue to stare at her. Try patting her on the head, maybe. Give her a lolly.

Now, in a very public place, put you arm around her shoulder, bellow 'She is MINE!' and laugh maniacally. Women love a showman. Then throw down a smoke bomb and run off alone. Revel in her certain adoration of your back.

Ugly? No problem! Acid burns will make women pity you, which is the first road on the slippery slope of love. A mask is optional. Just really play up the 'misunderstood' persona. Lick her shoulder, perhaps.

Now that you're officially dating, to what venue should you abscond? Why, the local swing bar, of course! Make sure it has the loudest, brassiest band in town, and a bar full of drinks with cool sounding names, like 'Yummy good.' Make sure you bring a top hat and cane. Also, a monocle. If you can't find a monocle, just place a bottlecap in your eyesocket and claim you took one for Uncle Sam (patriotic anthromorphic personification may differ from nation to nation). Point at the band just before they start playing, so it looks like you ordered them to do it. This may take some practice. If you mess it up, claim you were crushing flies in mid-flight.

When the band starts playing, get out there and dance. And I don't mean some crappy 'do whatever you feel like' dancing that has crept into dance clubs and made them uninhabitable, I mean proper swing dancing. Toss her around like you're playing aeroplanes. Make sure you keep your top hat on, women repect a man who keeps his hat on despite the centrifugal forces he must combat.

Next step, drink her under the table (no, you don't become emperor)*.

If she isn't impressed yet, say that the waiter offended her honour, then punch him in the face. Skip away quickly, those bouncers are bigger than you.

Now, she should be in a constant state of swooning. If you're having difficulty getting her about in this state, get a trolley and push her around in it.

Congratulations! You are now officially the centre of her universe, regardless of what she says. If you still don't feel confident about this, hit her on the head with a rock and drag her into your house.